I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.