“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
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My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.