“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
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So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils