I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children