I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
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[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
pelicons
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?