Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

🤣🤣🤣

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?