I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
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Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Damn what did I do next
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
🍛
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again