Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

This checks out

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar