Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Meat Cute

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

a lot to unpack here