I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
You Might Also Like
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.