I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?