Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.