I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know