Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”