I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body