I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being