I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
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My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
That de-escalated quickly
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?