Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️