Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

I really had high hopes for this year though

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.