I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
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[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.