I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
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I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
North and South
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.