I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Thursday
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.