I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
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i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
*lint rolls you awake*
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it