I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
that wasn’t the question
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking