Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.