I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.