Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

thanks auntie mary

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted