Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

No, I don’t think I will.

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.