I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
You Might Also Like
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
This is enough internet for the day.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Growing out my freckles.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.