I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.