I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
You Might Also Like
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness