Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

.. do you even science?

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.