I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
bro what is going on at twitter
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.