Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Ken is short for chicken

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.