Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!