Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo