Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice