Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

#CatsOnTwitter

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?