I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too