I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
dam girl
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.