I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.


[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!



[Lizard Enterprises HQ]
Lizard Boss: Um excuse me, do you work here?
Snake balancing on 4 toothpicks (nervously): Uh yessir why do you ask?


“Its not you. Its me.”
~ twins going through a photo album


guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that


I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.


Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match


I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.


Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.


Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.