I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
