Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends