Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA