I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
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“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.