Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.