Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.