I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Something Saturday.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.