Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve come full circle

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.