I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*