me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Holy crap this is wonderful
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here