I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
they see me scrollin
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?