I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Venn
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.