I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Not even remotely sorry.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
😂😂😂
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp