I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
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The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?