I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
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Ken is short for chicken
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Best spoiler warning ever
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food