Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah