Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

This headline is a thing of beauty

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Can’t stop laughing

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.