I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
