Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

being a writer on Twitter:

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6