I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought