I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
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My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded