Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it