Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

Bro what is this

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

You can’t outrun your problems…

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.