I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.