I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Appliances always know when you’re getting a tax refund.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
this was very charming
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.
“Come on in for a Gouda time!”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.