Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

I’ve been learning to cook.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

💀💀

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?