I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
You Might Also Like
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Lmao
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”