Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.