I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
ok like just. call me at this point
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.