I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
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Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading