I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
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Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Ah yes. The three genders
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning