I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
You Might Also Like
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Netflix: We have Less
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Every BBC series about the universe.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.