I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Birds & Planes.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.