I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Nothing.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”