I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?