I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
good let them take over I have had enough
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“I wouldn’t.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
m’lady
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out