I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
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perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Cause of death: Zumba
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
#Caturday
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*