I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
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[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.