Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

dril cadence

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

why would tinder want me to say this

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!