I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
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Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids