I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)