I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
You Might Also Like
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday