I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Basically, any European coat of arms:
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.